They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
