i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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