That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
