you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
