it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
