Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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