I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
