Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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