do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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