Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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