my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
