i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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