It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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