He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
