theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
