At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
