Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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