She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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