I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
