he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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