when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
