My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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