the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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