she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
