i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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