nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
