My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
