Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
