Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
