I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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