Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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