Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
