The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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