just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Less talking, more tequila
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
