I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
