Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
