ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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