Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
