You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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