im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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