Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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