I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
