some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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