I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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