my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
they need to just BURY HIM!
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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