stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
