i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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