I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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