and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
