I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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