i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My liver just had a heart attack.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
