Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
